Balancing Act

Well well,
I must say first that I appreciate all the comments, it has spurred me on to keep this thing up.

I have had a busy last couple of days. Yesterday was my "princess day" provided by our usual hairstylist Emmanuel. After he heard about my diagnosis from Ben he said, "I want to spoil you mija." I got a great haircut (washing my hair is actually pretty tiring), and he straightened it. It was just so nice to have an appointment that had nothing to do with cancer. Also, it goes to show how support has come from the most unexpected places. He was going to dye my hair, but I didn't want to do any more chemicals, so he is going to do vegetable dye, but he doesn't have one of the big dryers yet (he is starting his own salon), so we will do that in January. He is talking red, which makes me a little nervous... but then I figure, what the hell? live a little!


My friend Alana came over last night and we took a little walk, ate some good food, and had some good conversation. It was really nice. Then I meditated. My mom got me this amazing meditation CD called "Fight Cancer" it is by Belle Ruth. Every professional I have brought it up to has known her name without me saying first. I found out today she has had cancer too, which is comforting to me. The first half is guided imagery and the second half is affirmations. It is specific to cancer however, so a lot of it is visualizing the cancer going away. I love it.
Well I had gotten away from it for awhile and had returned about three days ago. My meditations were terrible. I was distracted, fell asleep, and just was having a tough time. Well, last night, I was able to stay more focused and get to a pretty amazing state. I still have difficulty focusing or quieting my mind, but afterward my body feels amazing. All the aches and pains are gone, there is a new sense of energy, more importantly there is hope and fight in my head.
Needless to say, yesterday was a really good day.

Unfortunately that didn't continue into this morning. It has been awhile since the "scary thoughts" have crept in. I woke up with some new pain last night, and it scared me. Once I get scared it is difficult to pull myself out it... it really takes a lot of work. So my morning was spent sobbing in the shower, Ben diligently standing there, saying softly, "let it out." Sometimes the noises that come out of me scare even me. They can sound like howls or whimpers. Ugg, I just hate this disease.
To clarify the "scary thoughts" a little bit. It's when I think about this thing getting me, taking me out, killing me. Yup, that's about as short as sweet as I can make it tonight. I haven't had these thoughts in over a week, so I know there are bound to be days, but it doesn't make it any easier.

The day has certainly improved however, I didn't let those stupid thoughts keep me from the fight. I had two amazing appointments today that are going to help me exponentially through all of this.

First was with Astrid Pujari, who is an integrative medicine doctor. She was great! First she addressed all of my nutritional issues, suggesting things that are going to keep me strong and healthy through chemo. We have had a great start, already switching to all organic, and juicing (which we just started and has been so wonderful). She gave specific advice for colon cancer nutrition too. She said I could be as active as I could tolerate, to listen to my body. This felt really good to hear...I didn't know how much was too much and I would like to build up my muscles again and get some cardio strength back.
Also I have to double my protein (45g/day), so to help she suggested a whey powder, which I just put in a smoothie. She also has me on supplements to help with my blood counts, immunity, and colon health (as they decrease during chemo). She also said to keep up the meditation and not be too hard on myself when my mind is wandering. It's so funny, I know this, but it feels so good to hear it from a "professional."
I felt really great after this appointment. Like I said we had a good start, but now I can move forward with confidence in my nutrition, which is such a huge part of fighting this nastiness. It also just helps me feel like I have more control over my own fate, combating those "scary thoughts."
Oh, I almost forgot, I asked if I should be cleaning with my immune system being compromised. She said it was fine, even scrubbing floors... Damn, no more excuses!!

Okay, I know this is getting long, but typing is just so damn easy! So my second appointment was at the acupuncturist. This was at the Seattle Cancer Wellness Center. So I met with Darin and he took an extensive history, then got me on the table. I laid on my back and he put the needles into my hands and legs. He wanted there to be a "zing" of ache or pain when he put them in, but he wanted to test my "pain threshold." Of course I wanted to be a badass! I only flinched once! It didn't really feel like "pain" but more of just an intense sensation. Then he left me for 20 minutes. I was able to relax well, except it was hard to keep my mind from wandering again.
The treatments are always going to address chemo side-effects, like nausea, digestion stuff, fatigue. It also helps with boosting my immune system and general well being. I think it is going to be really helpful. Eventually we are going to address my back issues, but he wanted to focus on chemo first.

My back issues, I am pretty confident, stem back to my diagnosis. When they said those awful words my body went into the most fight or flight fear you can imagine. The right side of my back still hasn't released all of that. I am also hoping when we spend Christmas with Susan in Ocean Shores that she might be able to do some releases on me, oh yeah, she's a massage therapist, and I got the okay for massage from my oncologist. I should clarify I got his permission for all of this.

Overall, I feel like I am in more control of my treatment. It feels more balanced, mixture of Western and Eastern.
So all in all, I have been able to turn the day around. I am now going to go meditate, then Ben and I are going to watch Spiderman 3 and have a relaxing evening.

Whew, for those of you still left, thanks...

Angel