I'm a blogger now!

Well, I never thought I would see the day when I would actually blog. I always thought it was a strange thing to do, but it has brought a lot of comfort to Ben and I am at a point now where many of my filters have been removed. I feel pretty uninhibited, so I figure what the hell.
I am going to use this to talk about what is going on and to chew over things.

Since chemo, I have started to get out of the house. This started on Friday, when my cousin and her husband were here. We went to Pikes Market and walked around. I felt pretty anxious before heading out, it was my first real act of rejoining the world. It is strange how things are simply colored differently. They had a craving for Arby's, and all I ordered was a cup of warm water (since I have a response to cold with my chemo) to take my medication. You wonder if people somehow know, or if you are branded "cancer gal." Why else wouldn't I order my favorite roast beef and cheddar? (Actually I am trying to eat really healthy, all organic, so I don't add any unnecessary chemicals or additives to this "temple" of mine). Then at the market I avoided people I used to work with. I couldn't answer the "how ya doing?" question. How do you say, "I have cancer, and you?" Buzz kill.

From the outside I look like regular old Angel, but on the inside I feel sore and fatigued. I can feel my liver ache because it is too swollen to fit right and is pushing against my stomach. More than anything these days, I just feel like I am a part of some sub-reality. It has been about a month since my diagnosis, and I still think in the very back of my mind that I am going to wake up from this nightmare. On the other hand, I have started to accept my life's new path. I feel a renewed sense of faith that I am going to make it.
I talked to my "match," a woman who had the same cancer as me and has been in remission for 5 years. She was 26 when she was diagnosed and just had a child. She said she never had any doubt, she always knew she would be okay. That really sobered me. I now believe that as well. I know in my heart that it is not my time, I am just getting started and have too much to do! A friend of mine told me that in native cultures healers must face death. I figure as an existential therapist, of all things, that this must be part of path of my development as a healer. You certainly can't read about this experience in any book.

Facing death might be a little to heavy for my first blog, but trust me, there will be some talk about that. Hopefully others will find it interesting and not overly morbid.

Overall, I know this is going to be a long road, but I feel like I am standing on solid ground now. Before I felt like I was drowning in oblivion, literally... I must say, I couldn't have found myself in this position if it wasn't for those around me who pulled me out of the drowning waters. My heart explodes with gratitude everyday with all of the calls, cards, prayers, hugs and laughs. I have felt this from all over the globe and feel truly blessed. Thank all of you for your support.
I must also say I am lining up the professionals too. I have joined Gilda's Club, which Gilda Radner started. They have support groups for both Ben and I (they are full right now), but also yoga, lectures, and other activities. I also got myself a therapist, and saw her for the first time yesterday. It was my first time ever, and I really liked her. I was able to cry, cry, cry, as well as come to some new insights. I am excited for our work together.

Well before I sign off, I must say this did feel pretty therapeutic, I hate when Ben is right ; ) I think I will keep this up!!

Angel