I'm glad to not be in tents...

The last couple of days have been strange as usual. Ben used the perfect phrase, "holding pattern." All I want to know is that this new kind of chemotherapy is working. We have to wait a little bit to get another CT scan to see if it really is shrinking the tumors. Yes, my numbers seem to be getting better. Yes, the tumors in my lymph-nodes seem to be shrinking. Yes, my eyes are white and not yellow, but I don't know for sure. I feel like I am getting better, but I know that I can tough through physical pain. I also wish I knew how much clot was still in my lung. I know it's still there, I know it's going to take months, but I want to know it is going down. I was talking to my mom and I know that my strength and weakness is my impatience. I want to be better and I want to be better yesterday. That helps me keep my fire burning, but it also keeps my stomach churning and this stupid sense of anxiety always sitting on the bus seat next to me coughing all over me without covering its mouth.
Yes, I am taking medications for anxiety. I don't know how much they help, I guess it would be worse without it. But then again Ben just went to leave to go to the store and I burst into tears. I'm not sad, I'm not scared, they just come. It is like a whisper that seems to creep into my consciousness out of nowhere...cancer. Then I sit with it, that word, that thought, that picture of that scan of Lily, my lovely liver covered with tumors...and I cry.
Ben's 94 year old grandma came out here to see me last week and the embrace we shared was amazing. There was something that was so "real" about it. I just wept. It feel it captures the image of the the mystery of life, there are no guarantees. We truly have no control over our true fate. We can try to take the best care of ourselves as we can, but we can never know.

I honestly am not complaining. There is this thing that I do when I am on my way to chemo (or as I like to call it, going to get my healing medicine). I had never seen this before. On the way down I-5 there is a hill as you are approaching the Madison Exit. If you blink you will miss it, but there are a set of tents that are up on the hill. I look up there every time, and every time I feel really blessed. I would still rather be in my position that up on a hill in the winter in the cold. I would never want to be that cold and lonely. I know that I have a long fight ahead of me, but I couldn't do it by myself. I still believe this life is about sharing it. I am so lucky that just about every time tears come to my eyes there is someone to rub my head. So if you are ever just feeling like you can't take it anymore or you are just feeling like crap, just remember that's not you who lives in those tents. Just feel the warmth and have a good cry...or scream (I have found that feels really good at times too).

Now to less depressing news. I went in for a blood draw today for my platelets and I thought that they would be really low (I've had some problems with them being low). They were 168! They need to be over 150 (and have been down as low as 12). So I don't need a transfusion!! YEAH HAW. I might just have to go in for a shot to get my white blood cells up. But I should be able to get healing juices on Monday!! We are getting aggressive with my treatment. This is great...in that weird way. I feel kinda crappy, but it is going to make me better in the long run (I hope i hope i hope). Please pray with everything you have that this treatment works for me.
I also want to let you know we have added another kind of treatment. It is not chemo but it is something that attacks the cancer, breaks it down so my cells can get at it (I think this is how to explain it). I'm getting this every week. I love my new doctor. I really just feel like hugging him every time I see him. When I got my last medicine he said he was optimistic...so see, we are moving in the right direction...I just want to know for sure we are moving in the right direction.
I also walked around the short stay area twice without my oxygen and stayed at 96%, so that's good too. I still feel really winded which is still the most frustrating thing about this, but I am trying to do all the walking and I have a breather that I do to try and keep my lungs strong. It is just an odd sensation to have to be tied to something.

I have to say that having my mom here was great. She was a great help, but we also did a lot of needle point and other projects. It is just so wonderful to have the help. She is going to come out about once a month to help. I also have to do a quick thanks to everyone else and their packages and letters. my god, the generosity helps me get through everyday. I must say I just got a quilt from my Aunt Amy today and it is so beautiful. It is a little one, and I can't even explain it. I really want lessons! For now I will stick to needle point for a while even though I stabbed myself and I think I got my finger infected, can you believe it! (I had the nurse look at it today).

Anyway, one more story just because it is funny. When I was in the hospital the psychiatrist comes in to see if I should be able to get some anti-anxiety meds. It seems pretty straight forward... well, he went through all the colors of my poop, what it says to me when i have a stomach ache, if i feel like puking, if I am sleeping, having nightmares (doesn't inquire about content) etc. Pretty standard questions I guess. You must be able to find out a lot about someone talking about poo. But the funniest thing was he drew this circle, first in pen (or pencil). Then traced it with a highlighter. (You must remember this is at like 7am. Then he hands me the paper and tells me to draw a clock. I couldn't help it either, I had to cheat, I mean there one was, right behind his back. I felt like, "oh my god, what is this going to say in my records? Should I have done a Salvador Dali type clock, or did he really just want a simple clock, Well, I went simple, then drew in the time he told me. Although I drew the wrong length hands, which is really ironic because his name translated to Dr. "Hands" in spanish. Anyway, then we got the bill and Ben said that he cost $400 each time he came in, he came in for a total of 20 minutes for two visits!! God, I went into the wrong business! Naw, I could never make people draw clocks.
I know we could get really existential with the whole clock thing, time and all, but I prefer to keep it absolutely absurd.

Well I am about to dose off, so i will blab on at a later date.
love Angel.