Happy New Year!!

Hello all,
I know it has been a while since my last post. A lot has happened so I will try to catch up a bit.
First of all, Kris Carr commented on my last post which is so cool! I have no idea how she came to read it, but that is pretty cool. I was pretty excited when I saw that.
The same day, after having a great walk in the sun and a great therapy session, I got the first letter that my health insurance is denying my claims. Let's just say the day felt like it came crashing down. They are trying to say I had a pre-existing condition. I mean the whole thing is pretty unbelievable. So I am going to have to appeal and fight this. Just what I want to do with my energy right?? How do these people sleep at night?

Anyway, then on Christmas day we drove out to Susan's at the Coast and had dinner at the Shilo overlooking the sunset at the Ocean. It was really great. The weather was totally bizarre so we were getting sun, snow, hail, rain. It was pretty cool. We then watched "It's a mad mad mad mad mad mad world" which is a great flick I had seen as a kid with my cousin Sasha, rented by my uncle Regie. He had great taste, and it was great to see it again. Craig, Susan's husband, has us watching great movies, as they are quite the movie buffs, to put it lightly. We also watched "bringing up baby" with Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant, another great one.
So I woke up the next morning and exclaimed, "this is the first morning I haven't felt depressed!" How exciting. Then, the pain that had been growing in my thigh had moved down my leg and my calf was swollen. Something clicked, I called Dr. Malpass' office, and sure enough, they thought I had a blood clot. So, off to the emergency room back in Aberdeen.

I don't want to talk about it right now because I have been feeling good, but it was a really rough trip for me. They did an ultrasound and found a blood clot from my calf to my groin. Eww. Then they warn you that a piece could break off and give you a pulmonary embolism. Merry freakin Christmas! So I was admitted and put on blood thinners. It was just really tough to be back there especially since we were supposed to be on Vacation. My mood was pretty weepy throughout. My first night was pretty rough, but I felt my uncle Regie there with me. For those who don't know, he was born with a heart defect, endured multiple heart surgeries. Then, as if he hadn't seen enough, fell off a ladder, hitting his head, and needing a couple brain surgeries. He was a person who defeated the odds for many years, he wasn't supposed to grow up or old and we had him until November '06. He was 54. Throughout his hospitalizations he kept is sense of humor. Thinking of him helped bring me a lot of comfort.

I must also say, the people at Grey's Harbor Hospital were really amazing. I am bawling now thinking about them. There was only a few private rooms and they gave me one and allowed Ben to sleep in the other hospital bed. Joanie in short stay told me stories of her sister-in-law who beat cancer and had an infectious laugh. Peggy, one of my nurses, saw me breaking down and brought me a beautiful Angel from the gift shop. When I was discharged she said, "If you didn't have a mom I would adopt you, you have been such a great patient." We were both in tears. It is just beautiful for me to see the human interactions that can happen out of this. At the end of the day we are all just living our lives, and coming into contact with one another. You might think getting this disease would change my world view, that he whole world sucks and all. I mean, yes, THIS sucks, but I have come to experience compassion that I have never seen before.

Next, on the 28th, we sprung me outta that joint. They would've kept me for a few more days, until my blood was at the right level (2-3), in order to give me the shots I needed, but since Ben was an expert at giving me shots in the belly from fertility treatment, they sent me home with shots and pills in hand.
That night I was still pretty weepy. I was walking with a cane, stuck in bed, my leg still hurting. I realize now that when I'm not feeling good, everything just feels dreadful. Makes sense right!!! It is so difficult remembering that it is going to be better, usually in just a few days. It just feels like you are going to feel like that forever.

So the last few days have been much better. My anxiety toned down a lot and I have really been able to have a good time with Susan. Ben has had a lot of work to do, so we went to the beach yesterday, we were chasing the sun. It was really windy then started hailing on Susan and Skylar (I was in the car). But it was great to hear and see the waves. They were pretty rough.
Susan and I also got all my medical stuff and insurance stuff organized and put in binders...a five hour job! What a help! We have watched more good movies, napped, and relaxed. Last night I was a little short of breath so I called the hospital. The on call doc said I should go to the fire station to make sure my stats were okay. We were met there by four paramedics/firemen. The main paramedic took my stats and I was fine. He was really great too, I was quite impressed. I have started to tell people, "I have cancer," and it is really quite odd. He was shocked, stating he couldn't believe it when I said it. I think I still feel the same as he does. I got home and took my pain meds and felt better, I realized that I have been having some breakthrough pain, so I am just trying to manage that now.

This morning we headed back to Aberdeen for a blood draw to check my blood level. 4.6. oops, well over the therapeutic level. I just stop all the blood thinners for a few days and try to get it in the right zone. I have not talked to my oncologist yet (he's on vacation until Wednesday), so I don't know what all of this means for my upcoming chemo (on Wednesday). I am starting to get a little nervous about it. I hope the oxaliplatin goes in okay and I don't have more of an allergic reaction. I know the drug is working and I want to continue. I know it's working because the mass in my neck has gone down. I am just elated about this. I am hoping, therefore, that it is working in the liver too.

So as I sit here staring 2008 in the face, I feel a multitude of emotions. This is the 14th New Year Ben and I have spent together. (Sarah, remember Chicago 1995 when our car broke down and we all had to drive back in a Camry or something--there were 9 of us. Ah, those were the days). I am so grateful for all of my friends and family, I wept over my spaghetti tonight, and am again. My heart feels so full of love. There is also a deep sense of sadness and trepidation for the journey ahead. I am frightened and question my strength. It often feels so big that I don't know where to put it or how to fit it into my field of vision. Then there is a sense of hope and faith that I will win this fight and be a better person and therapist.
One of Susan's clients said the secret to life was, "having something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to." This really resonated with me. I have more love than I can express, so now I just have to work on the other two.

Kris Carr says to make a five year plan. Dare to dream right? This has been difficult for me for some reason. I am going to start tonight and have it be a work in progress, seems like a time for fresh starts right?

2008-fight fight fight, win win win. My full time job is getting through treatments and beating this thing. Full Remission before 2009.
Get back to work seeing a few clients. Keeping my practice going, giving me things to think about, etc.
Start yoga again, for spiritual, physical and mental health.
Continue with therapy. Absolutely loving it!
Find something meaningful combining cancer and therapy... needs some refinement, would love to get in contact Kris Carr.
Get back to my psychotherapy cooperative meetings. Although I probably won't be able to see clients for awhile on a volunteer basis, they are such a group of support and inspiration.

2009-Be in remission. Start working toward getting "really healthy." Macrobiotic diet, exercise, voodoo, kung fu, whatever the hell I need to do to STAY in remission. (I CANNOT believe Malpass' crap about me staying in remission for only a few months.)
Start re-growing my practice, taking new clients, rocking out with my newfound "cancer wisdom."
Start taking coop clients again too.
Adding the yoga component to my practice (planned to do that this year).
Keep up with whatever I come up with cancer+therapy mix.
Wait on Ben hand and foot for all that caregiving (wait, I probably shouldn't put that in writing), and do anything for my family and friends!

2010-This one is difficult because it is not up to me, but let's put it in the year nonetheless. HAVE BABY! Well, that is more up to my beautiful an generous sister Amber Rose an her (husband at that time right?) 24 little embryos are waiting to be picked from the bunch. This would make us so unbelievably happy, I never knew I wanted a child so badly. Ben and I can't wait to see how we look together in a new, perfect little one.
TRAVEL! Let's see, Vietnam? Guatamala,? Peru? Ahh, the choices...
Keep working on my practice of course.
Oh, we have to figure out whether to sell our house or refinance, (those adjustable mortgages, you know). I would like to sell and possibly move out of town a little bit, I have a real call toward nature.

2011-Being mommy and all the messy, crazy, beautiful things that come with it.
Still working on practice.
Let's dream right?... I always said I wanted to write a book. This might be the year to give her a start... subject totally unknown. I'm sure something with existential undertones of course.

2012-My beautiful Ben turns 40. I have known him since he was 21. Celebrate like hell! (You know I like my surprises, so I better keep those to myself, oh, how this will keep me thinking!) Let's just say TRAVEL. Also, will be our 15 year anniversary of being together. That should be a good celebration too. We'll have been through a hellofalot by that point.
Remission inching up toward that magical 5 year mark. Feeling healthy, wealthy, and wise.
I think with all the other things I have started, I will be pretty busy!!

Also remember while doing all of this, I will be spending time with my family and friends. After all, that is what this life is all about, sharing it with others. It is a big scary, weird, beautiful, confusing, hilarious world out there, if it weren't for each other things wouldn't make much sense, or be much fun.

Alright. I'm tired now. It's going on 9, a few hours before 08. We are staying in and going to give a little cheers to one another. I couldn't wish to be anywhere else. (Skylar is lying on the couch next to me starting at me, what a beauty).
I really hope all of you who read this ring in the new year in a wonderful way. Have a few beers for me!

Oh yeah, the thing I need to work on in the new year is live in the present, especially when feeling good. ie. I just took a sip of the most wonderful iced tea after drinking nothing but water for days. What a sensation! Also need to work on how to get through the treatments, remembering the present isn't going to always be feel bad...

Lots of love,
Angel V.

Chewings on

Today is my half birthday, yup, 30 1/2. You see, when you have a summer birthday you have to have a birthday to celebrate in elementary school. I never would've thought I'd be doing this on my 30 and 1/2 birthday.
I had been out of breath the last couple of days, went to get my blood draws this morning. My reds were okay, great really for me. But my whites are down. Compromised immunity, normal, but a scary thought. I am just supposed to rest and check my temp to make sure no fevers.

This round has been pretty tough as I have said. I figured out that I was taking these anti-nausea steroids and they totally hopped me up. They gave me anxiety over the past days. God, they were awful. I figure I will go back to a "need to" basis next time. However, my anxiety has continued, therefore I entered into the land on Xanax today. Two little half pills about six hours apart, and they have really helped. I have had a tough time with appetite, and without the butterflies in my stomach I have been able to eat. I am also going to just start eating, still healthy, but things that are going to start fattening me up (I have lost more weight). I just had to change this and listen to what my body needs.

Anyway, I didn't really want to talk about all the daily crap. I wanted to talk about Kris Carr. She has written a book (Crazy, Sexy, Cancer Tips) and done a documentary about her experience with cancer. She is in her 30's and has been diagnosed with liver and lung cancer since '03. I just sat down to read her and I must say that as much as family and friends are there, there is an understanding that can only come from other survivors. I hear the strength in her voice, which helps give me strength. She has helped me feel so supported, which is a strange phenomenon coming from someone I have never met.

I just wanted to share a few of her quotes and what they have meant to me. When I was laying in my hospital bed (my friend Susan had bought me the book), I read her quote, "These are fundamental, practice, silly, real, fun, crazy, sexy ways to live your life--with cancer. Because it can be done. You can do it. Now smile lady, you're not alone." To hear I wasn't alone...to know there are other women my age fighting this awful disease...to know they are juggling the same things, relationships, careers, families and fertility. I sat and sobbed with gratitude, all anyone ever wants to know is that they are not alone. Or maybe I should just speak for myself.

I read this quote today regarding relationships, "Some days you feel good; other days you get hit and dragged by the cancer train. If he can accept this and stand by your side--or better yet, jump in the trenches with you--then he's a keeper." After reading this to Ben through my tears, and sharing a tearful embrace, I have come to realize something.
When I first got diagnosed, I kept saying, "my life was perfect...my life was perfect, why did it have to be taken away?" The realization is that my life is still perfect. I already have my "keeper," I still have all of the people who make my life worth living everyday. I am one lucky crazy, sexy, cancer babe.

That doesn't mean my stomach doesn't fret with anxiety, or that I worry about the days to come, but these little realizations can make my day.

Enough for now. Pray for no infections so that we can get to the coast and have a nice week with Susan at Ocean Shores.

Angel

Unhooked

Well today I went into the hospital and was unhooked in about 2 minutes. I must admit, it feels so good to get that thing out. I have attached some photographs. The first is the port in my chest, which is like a medal circle that was surgically put into my chest when I had my surgery. They put the needle in the middle, which goes into my heart. Here it is all wrapped up. Normally it just sticks out of my chest a little. Sci fi, I tell ya.
The other is my cute fanny pack and then the contents inside. There is the IV bag full of the chemo. The big old walkman type thing tells how much is left. I have to get 240 ml. It also makes a little whooshing noise every .1 ml. That gets a little annoying and nerve-wracking.




I just have to reiterate that chemo is hard. I was excited to get unhooked today, then I got home and took a nap. I still was feeling pretty anxious. Like I started saying yesterday, it just makes everything feel more real, which is really tough. I do think I did a little better this time because I knew what to expect, but I still have had difficulty keeping the pit out of my stomach. The "scary thoughts" haven't really been present, it is just sort of a, "let's just get these couple of days over to resume 'normal' life." It is like I am just holding my breath until I feel better. I really want to find some ways to get through this couple day period better. Fear is the most difficult aspect of this struggle. There are so many things to be scared about too, getting chemo, when the "scary thoughts" enter my mind, money, mortgages, getting better, insurance claims, worrying about my loved ones--wanting to make sure they are okay. The list could just go on and on.
Usually these are peripheral, but when getting chemo they seem to come to the forefront.

Luckily I have my Benny. When I was feeling anxious tonight I just got up and said we had to talk about something. Just talking about anything can just help me get out of my own head. I have been feeling better since then. Then I talked to my mom and that was good too. My friend Toni is going to stop over again later, which should be nice. By tomorrow, I should be feeling better. I am so thankful for that, I cant even express my gratitude.

If anyone has any suggestions for getting through the chemo days, I will take it. I want to talk more about the concept of fear too, but maybe when I am not feeling as gripped by it. I want to try and have a calm evening. I know it is something however that needs to be addressed.

Thanks you again for all your comments, cards, and prayers. They help me keep going everyday and I feel a warm shield of support containing me.

Later,
Angel

Getting Chemo

So yesterday I went to Virginia Mason to get my first kind of chemo the Oxsaliplatin (or something like that).
It was kind of a rough one yesterday. I started getting hot flashes about half way through. They shut it off and let me cool down, they didn't think it was related to the medication, which is good because if I react to this, then they can't give it to me, which would be bad. Then at the end I was getting my "webby" throat without drinking anything cold. So the nurse, who is a bit of a spaz, said I should have benadryl. I should've just breathed into my scarf because the air was kind of cold. The benadryl made me feel horrible, tired, I couldn't walk straight. This was just really frustrating.
But I got through it and made it home and took a nap. I want to add that to not get the medication it would have to be a "reaction" not just a "side effect" to make it so I wouldn't be able to get it. I think that I was just having side effects from the cold. It seems to be the one I am most sensitive to.
Also, to clarify Ben's blog about my liver numbers. They are still really high, but Malpass showed me a graph and told me that the numbers are actually going down. He said that this was potentially good news, that the chemo is already working after 1 treatment. So that made me feel pretty good. I can't wait to get more evidence that this is working. I think that will really help put my mind at ease.

Today I have just been pretty tired. I just keep telling myself that I need this medication to get better. I know that this is true, but it is a long day. I am just a little nervous. It makes everything that much more real, and that is hard sometimes. I can only drink warm water, and don't have much of an appetite. I just can't wait to get it off tomorrow. Also, when I sleep, I have been waking up pretty soaking with sweat, so that is pretty frustrating too. --just uncomfortable. I am just glad I only have to do this a couple times a month.

Paige just left this afternoon. She is my childhood friend for those of you who don't know. She came in Sunday morning and we got some time to catch up. It was really great, looking at old photos, and finally having a chunk of time to catch each other up on our lives over the past years. She is also finishing up her thesis for anesthesia nursing school, so I did some proofreading. That felt good, I love proofreading and was glad I still had it. I was sad to see her go, but it was so great that she took the time out of her schedule to be able to make it again (she was here while I was in the hospital too).

Toni is spending the night tonight. I just really like having an extra person here while I'm getting the chemo, so I'm really happy about that. I think we will just want a movie and call it a night. Last time I was a little ansy the night before getting unhooked, so I hope I can sleep well tonight and get in there to get this off. I will go in at 1:30. Can't wait.

Anyway, I am going to get some more rest.

A.

Balancing Act

Well well,
I must say first that I appreciate all the comments, it has spurred me on to keep this thing up.

I have had a busy last couple of days. Yesterday was my "princess day" provided by our usual hairstylist Emmanuel. After he heard about my diagnosis from Ben he said, "I want to spoil you mija." I got a great haircut (washing my hair is actually pretty tiring), and he straightened it. It was just so nice to have an appointment that had nothing to do with cancer. Also, it goes to show how support has come from the most unexpected places. He was going to dye my hair, but I didn't want to do any more chemicals, so he is going to do vegetable dye, but he doesn't have one of the big dryers yet (he is starting his own salon), so we will do that in January. He is talking red, which makes me a little nervous... but then I figure, what the hell? live a little!


My friend Alana came over last night and we took a little walk, ate some good food, and had some good conversation. It was really nice. Then I meditated. My mom got me this amazing meditation CD called "Fight Cancer" it is by Belle Ruth. Every professional I have brought it up to has known her name without me saying first. I found out today she has had cancer too, which is comforting to me. The first half is guided imagery and the second half is affirmations. It is specific to cancer however, so a lot of it is visualizing the cancer going away. I love it.
Well I had gotten away from it for awhile and had returned about three days ago. My meditations were terrible. I was distracted, fell asleep, and just was having a tough time. Well, last night, I was able to stay more focused and get to a pretty amazing state. I still have difficulty focusing or quieting my mind, but afterward my body feels amazing. All the aches and pains are gone, there is a new sense of energy, more importantly there is hope and fight in my head.
Needless to say, yesterday was a really good day.

Unfortunately that didn't continue into this morning. It has been awhile since the "scary thoughts" have crept in. I woke up with some new pain last night, and it scared me. Once I get scared it is difficult to pull myself out it... it really takes a lot of work. So my morning was spent sobbing in the shower, Ben diligently standing there, saying softly, "let it out." Sometimes the noises that come out of me scare even me. They can sound like howls or whimpers. Ugg, I just hate this disease.
To clarify the "scary thoughts" a little bit. It's when I think about this thing getting me, taking me out, killing me. Yup, that's about as short as sweet as I can make it tonight. I haven't had these thoughts in over a week, so I know there are bound to be days, but it doesn't make it any easier.

The day has certainly improved however, I didn't let those stupid thoughts keep me from the fight. I had two amazing appointments today that are going to help me exponentially through all of this.

First was with Astrid Pujari, who is an integrative medicine doctor. She was great! First she addressed all of my nutritional issues, suggesting things that are going to keep me strong and healthy through chemo. We have had a great start, already switching to all organic, and juicing (which we just started and has been so wonderful). She gave specific advice for colon cancer nutrition too. She said I could be as active as I could tolerate, to listen to my body. This felt really good to hear...I didn't know how much was too much and I would like to build up my muscles again and get some cardio strength back.
Also I have to double my protein (45g/day), so to help she suggested a whey powder, which I just put in a smoothie. She also has me on supplements to help with my blood counts, immunity, and colon health (as they decrease during chemo). She also said to keep up the meditation and not be too hard on myself when my mind is wandering. It's so funny, I know this, but it feels so good to hear it from a "professional."
I felt really great after this appointment. Like I said we had a good start, but now I can move forward with confidence in my nutrition, which is such a huge part of fighting this nastiness. It also just helps me feel like I have more control over my own fate, combating those "scary thoughts."
Oh, I almost forgot, I asked if I should be cleaning with my immune system being compromised. She said it was fine, even scrubbing floors... Damn, no more excuses!!

Okay, I know this is getting long, but typing is just so damn easy! So my second appointment was at the acupuncturist. This was at the Seattle Cancer Wellness Center. So I met with Darin and he took an extensive history, then got me on the table. I laid on my back and he put the needles into my hands and legs. He wanted there to be a "zing" of ache or pain when he put them in, but he wanted to test my "pain threshold." Of course I wanted to be a badass! I only flinched once! It didn't really feel like "pain" but more of just an intense sensation. Then he left me for 20 minutes. I was able to relax well, except it was hard to keep my mind from wandering again.
The treatments are always going to address chemo side-effects, like nausea, digestion stuff, fatigue. It also helps with boosting my immune system and general well being. I think it is going to be really helpful. Eventually we are going to address my back issues, but he wanted to focus on chemo first.

My back issues, I am pretty confident, stem back to my diagnosis. When they said those awful words my body went into the most fight or flight fear you can imagine. The right side of my back still hasn't released all of that. I am also hoping when we spend Christmas with Susan in Ocean Shores that she might be able to do some releases on me, oh yeah, she's a massage therapist, and I got the okay for massage from my oncologist. I should clarify I got his permission for all of this.

Overall, I feel like I am in more control of my treatment. It feels more balanced, mixture of Western and Eastern.
So all in all, I have been able to turn the day around. I am now going to go meditate, then Ben and I are going to watch Spiderman 3 and have a relaxing evening.

Whew, for those of you still left, thanks...

Angel

I'm a blogger now!

Well, I never thought I would see the day when I would actually blog. I always thought it was a strange thing to do, but it has brought a lot of comfort to Ben and I am at a point now where many of my filters have been removed. I feel pretty uninhibited, so I figure what the hell.
I am going to use this to talk about what is going on and to chew over things.

Since chemo, I have started to get out of the house. This started on Friday, when my cousin and her husband were here. We went to Pikes Market and walked around. I felt pretty anxious before heading out, it was my first real act of rejoining the world. It is strange how things are simply colored differently. They had a craving for Arby's, and all I ordered was a cup of warm water (since I have a response to cold with my chemo) to take my medication. You wonder if people somehow know, or if you are branded "cancer gal." Why else wouldn't I order my favorite roast beef and cheddar? (Actually I am trying to eat really healthy, all organic, so I don't add any unnecessary chemicals or additives to this "temple" of mine). Then at the market I avoided people I used to work with. I couldn't answer the "how ya doing?" question. How do you say, "I have cancer, and you?" Buzz kill.

From the outside I look like regular old Angel, but on the inside I feel sore and fatigued. I can feel my liver ache because it is too swollen to fit right and is pushing against my stomach. More than anything these days, I just feel like I am a part of some sub-reality. It has been about a month since my diagnosis, and I still think in the very back of my mind that I am going to wake up from this nightmare. On the other hand, I have started to accept my life's new path. I feel a renewed sense of faith that I am going to make it.
I talked to my "match," a woman who had the same cancer as me and has been in remission for 5 years. She was 26 when she was diagnosed and just had a child. She said she never had any doubt, she always knew she would be okay. That really sobered me. I now believe that as well. I know in my heart that it is not my time, I am just getting started and have too much to do! A friend of mine told me that in native cultures healers must face death. I figure as an existential therapist, of all things, that this must be part of path of my development as a healer. You certainly can't read about this experience in any book.

Facing death might be a little to heavy for my first blog, but trust me, there will be some talk about that. Hopefully others will find it interesting and not overly morbid.

Overall, I know this is going to be a long road, but I feel like I am standing on solid ground now. Before I felt like I was drowning in oblivion, literally... I must say, I couldn't have found myself in this position if it wasn't for those around me who pulled me out of the drowning waters. My heart explodes with gratitude everyday with all of the calls, cards, prayers, hugs and laughs. I have felt this from all over the globe and feel truly blessed. Thank all of you for your support.
I must also say I am lining up the professionals too. I have joined Gilda's Club, which Gilda Radner started. They have support groups for both Ben and I (they are full right now), but also yoga, lectures, and other activities. I also got myself a therapist, and saw her for the first time yesterday. It was my first time ever, and I really liked her. I was able to cry, cry, cry, as well as come to some new insights. I am excited for our work together.

Well before I sign off, I must say this did feel pretty therapeutic, I hate when Ben is right ; ) I think I will keep this up!!

Angel