Chewings on

Today is my half birthday, yup, 30 1/2. You see, when you have a summer birthday you have to have a birthday to celebrate in elementary school. I never would've thought I'd be doing this on my 30 and 1/2 birthday.
I had been out of breath the last couple of days, went to get my blood draws this morning. My reds were okay, great really for me. But my whites are down. Compromised immunity, normal, but a scary thought. I am just supposed to rest and check my temp to make sure no fevers.

This round has been pretty tough as I have said. I figured out that I was taking these anti-nausea steroids and they totally hopped me up. They gave me anxiety over the past days. God, they were awful. I figure I will go back to a "need to" basis next time. However, my anxiety has continued, therefore I entered into the land on Xanax today. Two little half pills about six hours apart, and they have really helped. I have had a tough time with appetite, and without the butterflies in my stomach I have been able to eat. I am also going to just start eating, still healthy, but things that are going to start fattening me up (I have lost more weight). I just had to change this and listen to what my body needs.

Anyway, I didn't really want to talk about all the daily crap. I wanted to talk about Kris Carr. She has written a book (Crazy, Sexy, Cancer Tips) and done a documentary about her experience with cancer. She is in her 30's and has been diagnosed with liver and lung cancer since '03. I just sat down to read her and I must say that as much as family and friends are there, there is an understanding that can only come from other survivors. I hear the strength in her voice, which helps give me strength. She has helped me feel so supported, which is a strange phenomenon coming from someone I have never met.

I just wanted to share a few of her quotes and what they have meant to me. When I was laying in my hospital bed (my friend Susan had bought me the book), I read her quote, "These are fundamental, practice, silly, real, fun, crazy, sexy ways to live your life--with cancer. Because it can be done. You can do it. Now smile lady, you're not alone." To hear I wasn't alone...to know there are other women my age fighting this awful disease...to know they are juggling the same things, relationships, careers, families and fertility. I sat and sobbed with gratitude, all anyone ever wants to know is that they are not alone. Or maybe I should just speak for myself.

I read this quote today regarding relationships, "Some days you feel good; other days you get hit and dragged by the cancer train. If he can accept this and stand by your side--or better yet, jump in the trenches with you--then he's a keeper." After reading this to Ben through my tears, and sharing a tearful embrace, I have come to realize something.
When I first got diagnosed, I kept saying, "my life was perfect...my life was perfect, why did it have to be taken away?" The realization is that my life is still perfect. I already have my "keeper," I still have all of the people who make my life worth living everyday. I am one lucky crazy, sexy, cancer babe.

That doesn't mean my stomach doesn't fret with anxiety, or that I worry about the days to come, but these little realizations can make my day.

Enough for now. Pray for no infections so that we can get to the coast and have a nice week with Susan at Ocean Shores.

Angel