Happy New Year!!

Hello all,
I know it has been a while since my last post. A lot has happened so I will try to catch up a bit.
First of all, Kris Carr commented on my last post which is so cool! I have no idea how she came to read it, but that is pretty cool. I was pretty excited when I saw that.
The same day, after having a great walk in the sun and a great therapy session, I got the first letter that my health insurance is denying my claims. Let's just say the day felt like it came crashing down. They are trying to say I had a pre-existing condition. I mean the whole thing is pretty unbelievable. So I am going to have to appeal and fight this. Just what I want to do with my energy right?? How do these people sleep at night?

Anyway, then on Christmas day we drove out to Susan's at the Coast and had dinner at the Shilo overlooking the sunset at the Ocean. It was really great. The weather was totally bizarre so we were getting sun, snow, hail, rain. It was pretty cool. We then watched "It's a mad mad mad mad mad mad world" which is a great flick I had seen as a kid with my cousin Sasha, rented by my uncle Regie. He had great taste, and it was great to see it again. Craig, Susan's husband, has us watching great movies, as they are quite the movie buffs, to put it lightly. We also watched "bringing up baby" with Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant, another great one.
So I woke up the next morning and exclaimed, "this is the first morning I haven't felt depressed!" How exciting. Then, the pain that had been growing in my thigh had moved down my leg and my calf was swollen. Something clicked, I called Dr. Malpass' office, and sure enough, they thought I had a blood clot. So, off to the emergency room back in Aberdeen.

I don't want to talk about it right now because I have been feeling good, but it was a really rough trip for me. They did an ultrasound and found a blood clot from my calf to my groin. Eww. Then they warn you that a piece could break off and give you a pulmonary embolism. Merry freakin Christmas! So I was admitted and put on blood thinners. It was just really tough to be back there especially since we were supposed to be on Vacation. My mood was pretty weepy throughout. My first night was pretty rough, but I felt my uncle Regie there with me. For those who don't know, he was born with a heart defect, endured multiple heart surgeries. Then, as if he hadn't seen enough, fell off a ladder, hitting his head, and needing a couple brain surgeries. He was a person who defeated the odds for many years, he wasn't supposed to grow up or old and we had him until November '06. He was 54. Throughout his hospitalizations he kept is sense of humor. Thinking of him helped bring me a lot of comfort.

I must also say, the people at Grey's Harbor Hospital were really amazing. I am bawling now thinking about them. There was only a few private rooms and they gave me one and allowed Ben to sleep in the other hospital bed. Joanie in short stay told me stories of her sister-in-law who beat cancer and had an infectious laugh. Peggy, one of my nurses, saw me breaking down and brought me a beautiful Angel from the gift shop. When I was discharged she said, "If you didn't have a mom I would adopt you, you have been such a great patient." We were both in tears. It is just beautiful for me to see the human interactions that can happen out of this. At the end of the day we are all just living our lives, and coming into contact with one another. You might think getting this disease would change my world view, that he whole world sucks and all. I mean, yes, THIS sucks, but I have come to experience compassion that I have never seen before.

Next, on the 28th, we sprung me outta that joint. They would've kept me for a few more days, until my blood was at the right level (2-3), in order to give me the shots I needed, but since Ben was an expert at giving me shots in the belly from fertility treatment, they sent me home with shots and pills in hand.
That night I was still pretty weepy. I was walking with a cane, stuck in bed, my leg still hurting. I realize now that when I'm not feeling good, everything just feels dreadful. Makes sense right!!! It is so difficult remembering that it is going to be better, usually in just a few days. It just feels like you are going to feel like that forever.

So the last few days have been much better. My anxiety toned down a lot and I have really been able to have a good time with Susan. Ben has had a lot of work to do, so we went to the beach yesterday, we were chasing the sun. It was really windy then started hailing on Susan and Skylar (I was in the car). But it was great to hear and see the waves. They were pretty rough.
Susan and I also got all my medical stuff and insurance stuff organized and put in binders...a five hour job! What a help! We have watched more good movies, napped, and relaxed. Last night I was a little short of breath so I called the hospital. The on call doc said I should go to the fire station to make sure my stats were okay. We were met there by four paramedics/firemen. The main paramedic took my stats and I was fine. He was really great too, I was quite impressed. I have started to tell people, "I have cancer," and it is really quite odd. He was shocked, stating he couldn't believe it when I said it. I think I still feel the same as he does. I got home and took my pain meds and felt better, I realized that I have been having some breakthrough pain, so I am just trying to manage that now.

This morning we headed back to Aberdeen for a blood draw to check my blood level. 4.6. oops, well over the therapeutic level. I just stop all the blood thinners for a few days and try to get it in the right zone. I have not talked to my oncologist yet (he's on vacation until Wednesday), so I don't know what all of this means for my upcoming chemo (on Wednesday). I am starting to get a little nervous about it. I hope the oxaliplatin goes in okay and I don't have more of an allergic reaction. I know the drug is working and I want to continue. I know it's working because the mass in my neck has gone down. I am just elated about this. I am hoping, therefore, that it is working in the liver too.

So as I sit here staring 2008 in the face, I feel a multitude of emotions. This is the 14th New Year Ben and I have spent together. (Sarah, remember Chicago 1995 when our car broke down and we all had to drive back in a Camry or something--there were 9 of us. Ah, those were the days). I am so grateful for all of my friends and family, I wept over my spaghetti tonight, and am again. My heart feels so full of love. There is also a deep sense of sadness and trepidation for the journey ahead. I am frightened and question my strength. It often feels so big that I don't know where to put it or how to fit it into my field of vision. Then there is a sense of hope and faith that I will win this fight and be a better person and therapist.
One of Susan's clients said the secret to life was, "having something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to." This really resonated with me. I have more love than I can express, so now I just have to work on the other two.

Kris Carr says to make a five year plan. Dare to dream right? This has been difficult for me for some reason. I am going to start tonight and have it be a work in progress, seems like a time for fresh starts right?

2008-fight fight fight, win win win. My full time job is getting through treatments and beating this thing. Full Remission before 2009.
Get back to work seeing a few clients. Keeping my practice going, giving me things to think about, etc.
Start yoga again, for spiritual, physical and mental health.
Continue with therapy. Absolutely loving it!
Find something meaningful combining cancer and therapy... needs some refinement, would love to get in contact Kris Carr.
Get back to my psychotherapy cooperative meetings. Although I probably won't be able to see clients for awhile on a volunteer basis, they are such a group of support and inspiration.

2009-Be in remission. Start working toward getting "really healthy." Macrobiotic diet, exercise, voodoo, kung fu, whatever the hell I need to do to STAY in remission. (I CANNOT believe Malpass' crap about me staying in remission for only a few months.)
Start re-growing my practice, taking new clients, rocking out with my newfound "cancer wisdom."
Start taking coop clients again too.
Adding the yoga component to my practice (planned to do that this year).
Keep up with whatever I come up with cancer+therapy mix.
Wait on Ben hand and foot for all that caregiving (wait, I probably shouldn't put that in writing), and do anything for my family and friends!

2010-This one is difficult because it is not up to me, but let's put it in the year nonetheless. HAVE BABY! Well, that is more up to my beautiful an generous sister Amber Rose an her (husband at that time right?) 24 little embryos are waiting to be picked from the bunch. This would make us so unbelievably happy, I never knew I wanted a child so badly. Ben and I can't wait to see how we look together in a new, perfect little one.
TRAVEL! Let's see, Vietnam? Guatamala,? Peru? Ahh, the choices...
Keep working on my practice of course.
Oh, we have to figure out whether to sell our house or refinance, (those adjustable mortgages, you know). I would like to sell and possibly move out of town a little bit, I have a real call toward nature.

2011-Being mommy and all the messy, crazy, beautiful things that come with it.
Still working on practice.
Let's dream right?... I always said I wanted to write a book. This might be the year to give her a start... subject totally unknown. I'm sure something with existential undertones of course.

2012-My beautiful Ben turns 40. I have known him since he was 21. Celebrate like hell! (You know I like my surprises, so I better keep those to myself, oh, how this will keep me thinking!) Let's just say TRAVEL. Also, will be our 15 year anniversary of being together. That should be a good celebration too. We'll have been through a hellofalot by that point.
Remission inching up toward that magical 5 year mark. Feeling healthy, wealthy, and wise.
I think with all the other things I have started, I will be pretty busy!!

Also remember while doing all of this, I will be spending time with my family and friends. After all, that is what this life is all about, sharing it with others. It is a big scary, weird, beautiful, confusing, hilarious world out there, if it weren't for each other things wouldn't make much sense, or be much fun.

Alright. I'm tired now. It's going on 9, a few hours before 08. We are staying in and going to give a little cheers to one another. I couldn't wish to be anywhere else. (Skylar is lying on the couch next to me starting at me, what a beauty).
I really hope all of you who read this ring in the new year in a wonderful way. Have a few beers for me!

Oh yeah, the thing I need to work on in the new year is live in the present, especially when feeling good. ie. I just took a sip of the most wonderful iced tea after drinking nothing but water for days. What a sensation! Also need to work on how to get through the treatments, remembering the present isn't going to always be feel bad...

Lots of love,
Angel V.