Unhooked

Well today I went into the hospital and was unhooked in about 2 minutes. I must admit, it feels so good to get that thing out. I have attached some photographs. The first is the port in my chest, which is like a medal circle that was surgically put into my chest when I had my surgery. They put the needle in the middle, which goes into my heart. Here it is all wrapped up. Normally it just sticks out of my chest a little. Sci fi, I tell ya.
The other is my cute fanny pack and then the contents inside. There is the IV bag full of the chemo. The big old walkman type thing tells how much is left. I have to get 240 ml. It also makes a little whooshing noise every .1 ml. That gets a little annoying and nerve-wracking.




I just have to reiterate that chemo is hard. I was excited to get unhooked today, then I got home and took a nap. I still was feeling pretty anxious. Like I started saying yesterday, it just makes everything feel more real, which is really tough. I do think I did a little better this time because I knew what to expect, but I still have had difficulty keeping the pit out of my stomach. The "scary thoughts" haven't really been present, it is just sort of a, "let's just get these couple of days over to resume 'normal' life." It is like I am just holding my breath until I feel better. I really want to find some ways to get through this couple day period better. Fear is the most difficult aspect of this struggle. There are so many things to be scared about too, getting chemo, when the "scary thoughts" enter my mind, money, mortgages, getting better, insurance claims, worrying about my loved ones--wanting to make sure they are okay. The list could just go on and on.
Usually these are peripheral, but when getting chemo they seem to come to the forefront.

Luckily I have my Benny. When I was feeling anxious tonight I just got up and said we had to talk about something. Just talking about anything can just help me get out of my own head. I have been feeling better since then. Then I talked to my mom and that was good too. My friend Toni is going to stop over again later, which should be nice. By tomorrow, I should be feeling better. I am so thankful for that, I cant even express my gratitude.

If anyone has any suggestions for getting through the chemo days, I will take it. I want to talk more about the concept of fear too, but maybe when I am not feeling as gripped by it. I want to try and have a calm evening. I know it is something however that needs to be addressed.

Thanks you again for all your comments, cards, and prayers. They help me keep going everyday and I feel a warm shield of support containing me.

Later,
Angel